Ineptitude
by Morningstar Glory
Summary: What happens when Ezio is controlled by a completely incompetent player? He makes a ridiculous amount of trouble for Machiavelli, of course. A silly ficlet written for the kinkmeme.
1. What Is This Camera Angle Nonsense!

"Ezio, walk with me. We have much to discuss." Without waiting to see if the Assassin was following him, Machiavelli started down a narrow alleyway, carefully weaving through the crowds. "We cannot assume the people of Roma will assist us simply because you have destroyed a number of the Borgia's towers, we must-" He stopped speaking when he noticed Ezio was still several feet away, staring straight at a wall.

He watched as the other man spun around several times, crouched and jumped, ran up a wall and then promptly fell off a ledge - knocking over several citizens on the way down.

Machiavelli hurried over and pulled Ezio to his feet. "What do you think you are doing?"

"My apologies, Machiavelli. I am feeling a bit…odd."

"You've been drinking with the Courtesans again, haven't you?"

"Of course I haven't. I have spent the day working for La Volpe!" Ezio looked offended and Machiavelli would have believed him had the Assassin not reached out and suddenly yanked a passing man off his horse.

He grabbed Ezio and walked away before the man could call for the guards. "I am going to tell Claudia to inform her girls they are no longer allowed to serve you wine. Your behavior is unacceptable."

"Machiavelli, I swear I have not had a single drink today." Ezio growled in annoyance before tackling the nearest minstrel.

"And I suppose that wasn't your fault either?" Machiavelli snapped.

"It wasn't, but he deserved it anyway."

"Never mind that. Let's just get to our destination without drawing anymore attention to ourselves."

Ezio nodded and motioned for Machiavelli to lead the way. They managed to get only 50 feet away from the confused minstrel holding his broken lute before Machiavelli felt Ezio brush against his back. When he turned around the found the Assassin was holding his money pouch.

"This is not what it looks like, Machiavelli!"

Ezio's attempt to explain was cut short when Machiavelli's fist collided solidly with the left side of his face and sent him tumbling backwards into a crowd of men carrying crates. He quickly jumped to his feet and lunged for Machiavelli but ended up punching just slightly besides the other man's head.

"You steal from a friend and then cannot even fight back? How shameful!" Machiavelli taunted him as he landed a swift kick to back of Ezio's knee.

"I can fight! It's just that the camera angle keeps changing!" Ezio exclaimed before Machiavelli grabbed and shoved him, sending him sprawling onto his ass.

"What is a 'camera angle?"

* * *

><p>Obviously, I do not own Assassin's Creed, but this is pretty much how I end up playing it.<p>

No but really, why is there _always_ a crowd of men carrying crates around? What's in the crates? Who are they carrying them to? It's a Templar thing, I just know it.


	2. The Woes of Carrying Crates!

Author's Notes: I was really surprised to see how many people reviewed and added this little ficlet of mine to their favorites. It always makes me feel warm and tingly when people enjoy my writing, and since several people asked me to write more, it got me to thinking.

What if all those crate carriers _aren't_ a Templar conspiracy?…

* * *

><p>Alfonso de Luca walked through the streets of Roma, taking great care to avoid the crowds. You see, Alfonso was a crate carrier. It wasn't the most prestigious of jobs, but it allowed him to feed his family.<p>

But it was a lonely job. Such a lonely, lonely job! He had to avoid people while he worked; for every broken crate was deducted to from his salary and little Gavino desperately needed new shoes!

Yet suddenly, across the courtyard, he saw him! Yes! Another crate carrier! Somebody who understood his lonely job! He approached the man as quickly as he could while carrying his crate.

"You!" He exclaimed, joy apparent in his voice. "You're carrying a crate!"

"So I am!" cried the other man, just as happily. "And you are carrying a crate as well! Let us carry our crates together, my friend!"

Alfonso was filled with joy as they resumed traveling. The crowds ignored one crate carrier, but never _two _crate carriers.

"Look there!" His new friend said, gesturing with his head (for his hands were full of crate). "Another carrier! We should invite him! We shall travel alone no longer!"

It was a joyous day, for everywhere they walked; they found more fellow crate carriers. Alfonso had never known such company. The conversation flowed freely and even the densest of crowds parted to make way for them.

Suddenly, there was an outraged cry from one of the guards and a large man dressed in strange robes burst onto the street. He made no attempt to avoid Alfonso and his fellow crate carriers as he shoved people aside. Alfonso cried out in anger and horror as the strange man tripped and managed to knock the crates out of all of their hands.

There was a moment of stunned silence as they all looked over the remains of their broken crates. Then, in unison, they all turned to the heartless man who had shoved them.

Without a word, the man reached into his bag, threw a handful of gold coins at them and ran off before they could attempt to call the guards. Oh, what is the world coming to?

* * *

><p>Damn it, Ezio! Now little Gavino will never get his new shoes! You have an entire secret hideout and you own like every building in Rome, but you can only spare a single handful of florins? How inconsiderate of you!<p>

I bet you punched a minstrel right after this happened, didn't you? They attempt to spread happiness through song and you take such joy in breaking their hearts!


End file.
